Control in a relationship doesn’t always come in obvious ways. Often, it’s more about the little things that slowly chip away at your sense of freedom and independence.
These subtle clues can be easy to overlook, but once you see them, you’ll realize you might be dealing with manipulation or control tactics. Here are 20 subtle ways someone might be trying to control you without directly saying it.
They Regularly “Forget” Important Things You’ve Told Them
If they consistently “forget” things you’ve shared, it’s a power move. When someone continuously acts like they’ve forgotten important details about you, it’s not always accidental.
This behavior can make you feel like your opinions or feelings don’t matter. It’s a way of undermining your importance, making you question yourself and your own thoughts, which makes it easier to control your actions and choices.
They Discourage Your Hobbies or Passions
A partner who tries to undermine your interests is quietly controlling you. Having hobbies and passions is a sign of personal independence, but if your partner consistently discourages or dismisses your interests, it’s a subtle form of control.
By minimizing your passions, they’re trying to confine you to their preferences and desires, which limits your ability to grow outside of their influence.
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They Make You Feel Guilty for Taking Time for Yourself
If they guilt-trip you about “needing time away,” it’s a sign of control. A healthy partner respects your need for personal space.
But if someone constantly makes you feel bad for spending time alone or with others, they’re trying to control your time and attention. They may frame their behavior as concern, but it’s actually a tactic to make you feel selfish or uncaring, putting pressure on you to prioritize their needs.
They Criticize Your Appearance More Than Complimenting It
Frequent criticism of your appearance can lower your self-esteem. While constructive feedback is normal in relationships, constant criticism of your looks is not.
If your partner frequently points out flaws or compares you to others, they’re subtly trying to manipulate your self-image. This can make you more dependent on their approval and control how you present yourself.
They “Accidentally” Create Chaos in Your Life
If they’re always involved in dramatic situations, it’s a form of distraction. A partner who constantly causes chaos—whether through drama or creating problems out of nowhere—keeps you on edge.
This tactic can drain your energy and attention, leaving you less focused on your own goals and needs. The chaos they create serves as a distraction, pulling you further away from making your own decisions.
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They Dismiss Your Concerns as “Overreacting”
By dismissing your feelings, they invalidate your reality. If every time you bring up a concern, your partner immediately brushes it off by calling you “overdramatic” or “sensitive,” they’re subtly controlling the conversation.
Dismissing your feelings minimizes your emotional reality, making you second-guess yourself and your needs. This is a common tactic used by controllers to maintain dominance in the relationship.
They Are Always “Right” and Never Admit Mistakes
Refusing to admit faults creates a toxic imbalance in the relationship. A person who never owns up to their mistakes is wielding control.
It’s not about being perfect; it’s about always being in the right, which places them in a position of power. This behavior forces you into a role where you’re the one who has to apologize or adjust, regardless of the situation.
They Constantly Check in on You “Just to See”
Frequent check-ins disguised as care can actually be a form of surveillance. When your partner constantly checks in on where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing, it’s not always about concern—it’s about control.
This invasive behavior is meant to keep track of you, create a sense of dependency, and limit your ability to make decisions without their input.
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They Give You Silent Treatment When You Don’t Agree
The silent treatment is a classic control tactic. Instead of expressing their feelings, a controlling person might choose to give you the silent treatment.
This passive-aggressive approach is designed to make you feel guilty or unsettled, pushing you to apologize or concede just to bring peace back to the relationship. It manipulates your emotions by making you feel responsible for their silence.
They Make Your Decisions for You
When they make important decisions for you, it’s a sign of control. A controlling partner will often make major decisions for both of you, even if it’s something that directly impacts you.
Whether it’s choosing where you live, what you eat, or who you hang out with, they undermine your ability to choose for yourself. It’s about eroding your confidence in making your own decisions.
They Regularly Tell You How to Think or Feel
If they dictate your emotions, they’re trying to control your inner world. A person who frequently tells you what you should feel or think is using manipulation to shape your reality.
For example, they might say, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “You’re wrong to be upset.” This makes you question your own emotional responses and creates confusion, allowing them to dictate your feelings instead of allowing you to express yourself freely.
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They Use Your Fears Against You
By exploiting your vulnerabilities, they gain control. A controlling partner may bring up your past fears, insecurities, or vulnerabilities to manipulate your decisions.
By exploiting what scares you or makes you feel unsure, they maintain power in the relationship. This tactic forces you to rely on them for reassurance or protection, furthering their control.
They Constantly Compare You to Others
Making comparisons can be a way to undermine your self-worth. When someone constantly compares you to others—whether it’s friends, family, or strangers—it’s meant to make you feel inferior.
This constant comparison can erode your confidence and force you into conforming to their ideals, instead of embracing your uniqueness. It keeps you focused on meeting external standards rather than cultivating your own self-worth.
They Act Indifferent When You Express Needs
Ignoring your needs is a way to invalidate your feelings. When you express your needs, whether they’re emotional, physical, or mental, and your partner acts indifferent or dismissive, it’s a subtle power move.
By ignoring your needs, they’re showing you that your happiness or well-being doesn’t matter. This creates a dynamic where you start to put their needs first, allowing them to control the relationship.
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They “Accidentally” Take Credit for Your Achievements
If they diminish your successes, they’re asserting dominance. A controlling person may try to take credit for your hard work or successes to diminish your accomplishments.
They may say things like, “I’m so proud of you for doing that, I helped you with it,” to make it seem like your achievements are a result of their influence. This undermines your confidence and makes you feel like you can’t succeed without them.
They Play the Victim to Avoid Responsibility
Turning every situation into their personal hardship shifts the focus to them. When your partner constantly plays the victim, it shifts the conversation away from your concerns or issues.
They manipulate the situation so that you end up comforting them, rather than addressing the real problem. This tactic allows them to avoid taking responsibility and puts the spotlight on their emotional needs instead of working through mutual problems.
They Try to Make You Doubt Your Reality
If they make you question your perceptions, it’s a form of control. A subtle but dangerous form of manipulation is making you doubt what you know to be true.
They might tell you that events didn’t happen the way you remember, or twist situations so you start questioning your own memory. This tactic is meant to keep you disoriented, dependent, and easier to control.
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They Make You Choose Between Them and Others
If they try to force you to pick between them and your loved ones, it’s control. A person who demands you choose between them and your friends or family is trying to isolate you.
This tactic places pressure on you to prioritize them, often making you feel guilty if you don’t comply. It’s a clear attempt to control your relationships and social life, cutting you off from support systems that could challenge their authority.
They Make You Feel Like You’re Never Enough
When your partner makes you feel inadequate, it creates dependence. A controlling partner will subtly make you feel like you’re never doing enough, whether it’s for the relationship or in general.
By constantly highlighting your flaws or pointing out what you could be doing better, they make you feel inadequate. This dependency on their approval allows them to maintain control over how you view yourself and your worth.
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